Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Emoticons

:)
:(
;(
$)
:/
:*

If I see one more emoticon while either texting someone or talking to them through the internet I am going to have a god damn stroke. Like seriously, that smirk at the end of your sentence via your emoticon makes me want to puke. Aww, are you sad? Alright, we can talk about it over the phone instead of you showing me through your crying emoticon.

THIS JUST IN: EMOTICONS ARE FICTIONAL. THEY ARE AN ABUNDANCE OF BUTTONS ON A KEYBOARD THAT LOOK LIKE REAL LIFE FACES. IN NO WAY, SHAPE,
OR FORM ARE THEY A DESCRIPTION OF HOW YOU ARE FEELING AT ANY PARTICULAR TIME.

Did you just wink at me through your emoticon through the phone? Are you kidding me? Don't wink at me unless I can see your face. Actually, forget that. Since when was winking O.K. again? Wasn't that excommunicated from the U.S. in like 1994? Ladies- It's not cute. It's not funny. In fact, I have never been more turned off in my entire life with your little smiley face at the end of a sentence that uses a colon to show an expression to me. You creep me the fuck out.

Don't even get me started with guys that use emoticons. If you think that putting a smiley at the end of your sentence doesn't make you a female you are dead wrong. How dare you even think for one second that I don't want to kick your ass if you just winked at me through my computer screen? You deserve to go straight to hell. :)

Monday, January 10, 2011

J-E-T-S....stupid baby...

So unlike most Jets fans this past Saturday night, I was in my apartment with a couple of buddies to watch because I am an anxious loser who literally cant handle watching games that mean this much to me in a bar. I need to hear everything. Every brainless and dim-witted comment by Chris Collinsworth, every timeout, every commercial, etc. I go nuts on every play. You will hear me if you are within 500 yards. That's just how I am with the Jets. If you don't like it, I don't like you. I can imagine that all REAL fans act this way anyway.

But on another note, the outcome of the game isn't even the point. Yes it was awesome to see Nick Folk kick the game winner with no time left on the clock to send the Jets to the Divisional round on Sunday. But, here is where I got mad.

At approximately 9:30 PM, I get a call on our apartment phone from the doorman downstairs. "Hi this is Jon, just calling in a noise complaint that you guys are yelling obscenities and you guys need to quiet down, there is a baby sleeping."

"Sure Jon, no problem." That's what I said at least.

It is 9:30 on a saturday night and I am watching my team in the biggest game in a long time against the best qb of all time (arguably) and you want me to be quiet? Do you ever watch sports you bitch? Do you live in a fucking hole?

And as for you, you little fucking baby. You think you are all cute up in your crib acting like you own the place? You're 1 and you're already guaranteed to be the 21 year old who goes home at 10pm every night because they are too tired. Man the fuck up and watch the Jets do the unthinkable you little bitch. Wahhhh they are yelling curses mommy! Wahhhh the boys are too loud and I cant go sleep mah! Shut the hell up, put on some Baby Baluga Raffi style and go to bed while I scream obscenities all I want you little loser. Don't even think about trying to give me that cute sad face because you're all tired and shit.

Babies think they own the world and I will have none of it. Period.

Jets are playing again on Sunday at 4:30 and you better believe that if this baby is sleeping at 4:30 on a Sunday I won't be happy.

Monday, May 3, 2010

I do not care that you are having a bad day.

Everytime I log onto The Book (facebook) the inevitable happens. The first things i see are everyone's status updates on my news feed.

The occasional "The Yanks win!" or "Going to Aruba!" or even "I just got laid for my first time!" are acceptable. But when someone starts using facebook to the point where they are explaining EVERY FUCKING DETAIL of their life to anyone and everyone who has facebook, I actually want to jump through the screen and deck you in the face. I don't care that Joe "Just got home from dinner...that pizza was MMM DELISH!" or that Lauren "Just got back from her AMAAAAAZZZZING boyfriends :)." I do not give a shit, nor does anyone else who sees it.

There are people who literally put every aspect of their life as their status and fucking LIVE for people to comment. I legitimately think that there are people who orgasm if they get over 5 comments from their status update. Do everyone a favor: Stop posting your stupid life details on facebook so you can orgasm over peoples comments and GO BUY A VIBRATOR! I hear they work!

It's like the people that do that have nothing better to do with their lives so they try to make it seem like they are living the best life in the world. Like the piece of pizza THEY had for dinner was probably the best slice ever made. Give it a rest. No one gives a shit. I swear.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

I hate you- i Swear the h in hate is silent.

Here is a question to ponder:

What the hell gives certain letters the right to be silent in different words? F**k you English Language- I am sick and tired of losing spelling bees because you decided that you are going to throw in a "ch" in the word yacht. YAT would have been perfectly fine. In fact, it would have been a lot easier for everyone. Do you think the ch in the word makes yachts cooler? Do you think more people are going to buy them now because you decided to add in that ever-so-cool silent ch? Well I dont, so f**k you.

You know who i really feel bad for? The people who have names with silent letters. Sorry Thomas, you have an h in your name for no apprent reason, and you probably have wasted a solid full day in your life time just writing the extra letter every time you right your name. Oh, and as for you Hannah, tell your parents you hate them because you are now the loser who should only have 4 letters in your name, but for some reason when you spell it out, you have 6. Hana would have been perfect. Do parents think that Hannah is prettier or something? Well, doesn't it suck then that she is 350 lbs and has no chance of ever being pretty? FYI- its not the extra letters in the name that maker her pretty, rather its the make up, body, and tight pants that do it for dudes.

Boy am I glad i don't live in Illinois or Arkansas. I mean come on here. Is that s at the end necessary? Do you think more people are going to move to Illinois because you made your state plural? No, didn't think so. Notice that when people from Illinois are talking about where they are from, they ALWAYS say Chicago. Maybe it's that extra s.

Perhaps the word that irks me the most is colonel. I mean when you say that word out loud you are saying an entirely different word- cernal maybe?. It makes no sense. I can't even continue ranting anymore because it pisses me off too much. Maybe i'll go get a bagel and use a knife to put some cream cheese on it. KNIFE. ITS NOT KNIFE. IT'S A MOTHER FUCKING NIFE. DAMMIT.


Oh and P.S.- I am RITING this blog, NOT Writing it.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Let the Battle Begin.

dude 1- "Dude, I heard you talkin' bout my momma last night!"

dude 2- "I wasn't talkin bout yo momma, I was talkin bout bein IN yo momma!"

dude 1- "If you wanna say dat shiznit to mah face then come get some."

dude 2- "How bout I meet you in the hallway during 5th period and we sort this out like men. Your mom can be the ref. Whoever wins, wins her and her nice rack."

dude 1- "Oh now you've taken it too far my man. I'm gonna get my gat and bust a cap in yo ass."

dude 2- "You best believe ill B bringin my rocket launcher"


Ever log onto facebook and see a back and forth verbal argument between two kids that could quite possibly be the dumbest fight in the history of mankind? Well, I did. The conversation you see above is pretty similar to the one I saw today.

Let me be straight forward and honest for a hot minute. Neither of these 2 kids have any chance at making it in the real world. It is a pure guarantee that they will either end up in a gang shooting people on Easter Sunday for no apparent reason, in the cast of Jersey Shore with the nicknames "Alotta beef" or "My name is Bo, so fuck off", or Rap battling in the mean streets of Harlem. Has the world of Facebook taken over so much that we now have to have Fbook battles? I think I would be really good at them to be honest, so I say all disputes should be settled over The Book. Here would be my response to dude 1's accusations that I was talking about his momma.

Dude 1- "So G baby, I heard you been talkin shiznit about my momma."

Me- "That would be correct. Your mother and I stayed up all night Saturday just talking. She told me you were a mistake. Sorry it had to come out like this."

Dude 1- "If you wanna say dat shiznit to mah face, then come get some Suck Baby.

Me- Instead of saying it your face, I would much rather just shit on your face. You'd probably look better anyway. Oh and by the way, "Suck Baby" is the exact same thing I was saying to your mother on Saturday night! So funny that you say that!"

Dude 1- "Now you crossed da line Loser Baby. Meet me in da parking lot tomorroh at 5 so I can bust-a-cap in yo ass."

Me- "Before you bust a cap in my ass, do you mind going out back and killing yourself? You have no chance at making it in life so I would prefer that you let me live so you can at least give someone who actually has a chance to do something with their life, a chance to live? Oh and BTW, you are easily the ugliest/dumbest kid I have ever seen/met in my lifetime. Like honestly, looking at you hurts me more than a cap in my ass would. You have the IQ of a retarded seal. You have such an obscured outlook on life because of the roids that have clearly gone straight to your brain and shrunk your balls that you actually think I am intimidated by a facebook threat. Cool dude! You are the fucking man!"

I mean honestly. I am pretty sure I could win any fight as long as I can do it from behind my computer. Trust me, I'd hit you right where it hurts (with my words, not my fist). I understand that if this were a real fight, dude 1 would probably beat the hell out of me. But what does that show? He is better at lifting weights and drinking protein drinks than me? SAY IT AIN'T SO!!!!! If that's what getting through life is all about, then I am downright FUCKED.

The point im trying to make here is how absurd facebook fights are. Has our youth really gone to the point where we are settling made-up disputes on facebook? I can't even begin to explain how much that makes me HATE the facebook news feed. Looking at that fight earlier made me never want to sign onto the site again. For at LEAST 10 minutes.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Dude, put some clothes on.

Yesterday as I was playing basketball at my local gym that I belong to, I needed to take a bathroom break. And that's where it happened.

Over the last couple of years, I have noticed a phenomenmon that occurs on a daily basis inside every gym locker room. I'm not sure if some people still think it is 1960 or if they just really enjoy being naked in front of a bunch of people. But yesterday, as I walked in the locker room to go to the bathroom, I saw the most disgusting thing I have ever seen in my life. There he was, probably around 60 years old, standing in front of the mirror 100% naked, shaving his FACE so non-chalantly like it is totally normal to shave your face naked while you are standing around a bunch of dudes...most of whom are probably at LEAST half your age.

Get with the fucking program grandpa. It isn't normal anymore to show your off your shriveled thing to the world. We don't want to see it. In fact, I think I'd rather have my leg bitten off by a Great White Shark than see your gross naked body. And trust me, my biggest fear in the world is sharks. You go in their territory, you deserve to die.

Like seriously though, have some respect for the people around you and at LEAST put your tighty whities back on. This isnt the 60s where you can just walk around naked flaunting your shit like it ain't no thang. I would even understand if you were changing for a hot minute and you got naked so you could put your clean clothes on. But really? You need to shave your face while being totally naked? I'm thinking next time I need to go to the bathroom I'm gonna try to go to the women's locker room. Maybe they are doing the same thing over there...

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

No offense, but...

For some reason some way or another, there are sayings that have just caught on around the world. I'm not about to complain about that. I get it. But i really need to talk about one that grinds my gears.

"No offense, but your 2 legged dog in a wheelchair sucks. Like he can't even play fetch." Thanks man! I really appreciate you letting me know before you made that ridiculously offensive comment that I shouldn't take any offense to what you're saying. I mean come on, why would I ever take offense to you making fun of my two legged dog that I never got to play fetch with like any other normal kid/dog could do? (By the way, my dog had 4 legs and she was a lot cooler than your dog. So back the fuck off. I am talking hypothetical situation here).

For some reason, when people say no offense before they are about to make a rude comment, they automatically assume that you won't take offense to what they're saying. I once had this one said to me by one of my good friends; "No offense, but your eyes look like they just threw up!" Aww, thanks man! No offense taken here! So glad you think that! That was so kind of you to let me know that you hate the color of my eyes and that you think they resemble puke!

Everytime someone starts a sentence with "no offense, but" you should just automatically assume you are going to (and definitely should) take offense to the comment that follows.

"No offense G baby, but your blog really sucks." No offense taken here man. I just hope that if you ever read my blog again that you fall backwards on your chair and crack your head open on the corner of your coffee table. But, no offense.